Me.

So, my last post was about Julian, and this post is about me. I don't talk about myself much, but there's been a lot going on these last few weeks/months/whatever. I might at well put some of my thoughts and experiences out into cyberspace. If nothing else, it's nice to look back later and remember what the heck was going on in my life at a certain point in time.

Let's start with the toughest - Tuesday afternoon Eddie and I will be headed to Kansas City for our first appointment with an RE. I always wondered what the heck an RE was when I'd see it mentioned online and in forums. Turns out it's a reproductive endocrinologist. Big words, but basically a specialist having to do with - you guessed it - reproduction. While the clinic we are visiting mostly focuses on IVF, IUI and other fertility methods, we will mostly be there seeking a diagnosis and (hopefully) a treatment. I'm sure I've mentioned it in some other posts concerning my much-talked-about-uterus, but I haven't had a period since Julian was born. At first it was chalked up to nursing. I was told it was normal, it was fine (I've heard that a lot, oddly enough.) Well, then about a little over a year ago I started having cyclic montly pain that pretty much made life unbearable. Eventually this led to a diagnosis of endometriosis and in August 2011 I had a procedure to treat some of the endometriosis as well as look into my uterus to check for scar tissue that may or may not have resulted from the two D&C procedures I had after Julian was born (due to retained placenta and hemorrhage.) Well, everything was deemed fairly normal and I was told my period would be back in no time, only it wasn't. I called the doc and was told to give nuvaring a try for 3 months...that my hormones were out of whack. 3 months later I called back - I hadn't started....they told me to try 3 months OFF the nuvaring and that THAT would surely do the trick, only it didn't. It did, however, make me realize that I was having a consistant and predictable cycle and that I could tell I was ovulating. I was told that couldn't be possible. Finally (at my suggestion), my doc scheduled an ultrasound. The initial reports that day was that everything looked normal and that my doctor was a little stumped and would get back to me. Well, a week later his nurse did and I was told I was being referred to an RE because my endometrial lining was 'unusual.' When asked for clarity on that...I had to wait another week, only to have the sono report read off to me by the nurse. Yes, I am ovulating, my endometrial lining has a normal thickness, but the borders are irregular. They don't "THINK" it's cancer. How reassuring...but something isn't right, and apparently the doctor was unwilling to venture a guess as to why or what it could be...only that it could make conception "very difficult." And so I spent a good deal of time on the phone, found someone who could get me in sometime soon and began the process of paperwork and medical records and all that stuff. I am happy I am finally being referred to someone knowledgeable...I hope that he lives up to my expectations. I am tired of being put off, lied to, pushed to the side....I have known for nearly 15 months that something wasn't right. That has been 15 months wasted. Especially the 9 months since my surgery. Wasted time while a doctor tried to tell me everything was 'fine, normal' and it's not.  Many months ago I made myself accept the fact that Eddie and I may not be able to conceive or carry another child. Eddie hasn't necessary done the same, and I may be seen as a bit of a pessimist, but it is absolutely necessary for me to go into this with that possibility in mind. My emotions already have been dragged around from hopeful to depressed to devastated and back to hopeful only to finally be shocked and confused...and I'm so very done with the roller coaster ride.  I don't know what we're going to find out - if anything - at this first visit, and frankly I'm nervous as hell...but it is what it is, and I'm hoping for a doctor that actually gives a crap this time.

So...that above has pretty much consumed my time and my thoughts as of late. It's not easy feeling 'broken' or 'damaged' or 'unusual' (thanks, doc.) But worse than that, to have the 'cancer' word thrown around a few times...is terrifying. It has made me rethink a lot of things, and one of those things is a determination to be happy with what I have and not dwell on what I don't (finished bathroom aside - that doesn't count!) I love my son, even if his birth 'broke' me, I would do it over and over and over again in a heartbeat. Yes, we want another child...we want a sibling for Julian..and in a perfect world, maybe that will happen somehow. If not, we will be okay. We are the three amigos, and we love each other and we will be certain Julian knows it and has an amazing childhood either way.

Of course, not every thought going through my head right now is quite so deep....lots of normal things going on too. Summer officially begins this weekend and so does the desperate attempt to keep my child occupied! So far we have activities and trips planned....we spend a good portion of our week with my neighbor and her sons and Julian truly has found his long lost brothers in them, so it will just be a matter of keeping three little boys active and happy and (hopefully) wear them down a bit and get all that restlessness out! That is priority number one for me, but I'll admit...it takes up a lot of my day, which leaves very little time for work and that can be stressful. Photography is busy enough to keep me happy and mentally occupied (and keep the creative juices flowing), but even with my 3-4 shoots a month I do have a tough time keeping up. Julian's naps get shorter and shorter, bedtime seems to get later and later, and with all the running around all day, I'm SACKED by the time he finally conks out, only that's when my work begins! My etsy store has surprised and baffled me....what started as just a side thought or a hobby is now keeping me a little too occupied some weeks, and it always seems that when I have a session to edit, I get a crazy amount of orders coming in! It's a good thing though. No matter how much I complain (and I do), I love it. I love being able to put myself and my creativity to good use and have others actually be interested in paying for it!

As for the three of us, we took a little trip to Great Wolf Lodge last week. A very brief family vacation (our first, really) and had a great time together. I will hopefully pull some images off the little cybershot at some point and get those put up. Julian STILL talks about the water park and the huge bucket. He had a great time, even if none of us got much sleep!

Which brings me to our next transition...Julian has finally figured out how to climb out of his crib. We've always sort of been amazed that he hadn't figured it out sooner. The boy scales walls and ladders and anything else he can get his hands on, he just never was too motivated to leave his bed I suppose! So far he has done it without hurting himself (or even really making a sound...he's stealthy!) and so I think we might hold off on that toddler bed a while longer. While he FINALLY sleeps through the night consistently every night, he still has trouble some nights with falling asleep, and it's nice to put him in bed and know that he will eventually conk out because he has no choice! We have talked to him and told him that he can ONLY climb out in the mornings, so we'll see how that goes. My biggest fear is just that he'll come out in the living room in the middle of the night and get into something he's not supposed to (his favorite thing to do) but so far it hasn't been an issue, so keep your fingers crossed!  The toddler bed will come eventually.....I figure it we get him used to knowing his 'limits' when it comes to getting out of his crib, it will help him apply that to his toddler bed when the time comes.

Let's see....as for all our works in progress - they continue to be 'in progress.'  Our bathroom is closer to being done, but not by much...which means that every other home renovation project is on hold UNTIL that happens. However, Eddie has signed a contract for a shop to be built on our property some time this summer, and has even started contracting someone to build a deck off our house. Apparently the bathroom is our bermuda triangle...and we're just never going to have walls in there or a floor, but by golly - we'll have one hell of an outdoor area! I dunno. I get frustrated, I get annoyed...but I have to let it go.  We've also purchased a rather kick-ass playset for Julian, but unfortunately we need to level some dirt where it needs to be installed, which means that we'll be lucky if he gets to use it before he graduates from High School (seriously.)  Someday we will have a house and a yard and floor moulding and two working toilets again. I just have to be patient, apparently (or learn how to do it myself?)

So, I think that catches things up. I will update after our appointment on Tuesday. Maybe we'll learn something, or maybe not. I guess time will only tell. Hope everyone reading has a lovely Memorial Day weekend...

C.